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Severus Snape

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He who must not be found [Nov. 7th, 2008|06:18 am]
Severus Snape
If you log onto LJ directly to your own journal or to your friends' page and you do not subscribe to LJ maintenance, you may not know that you must update your settings now before a new feature is implemented. The new feature will permit people to find you based on the e-mail account you used to set up your journal.

As I have made rather a career of Not Being Found, I have set my journal to 'no', meaning some one who knows my e-mail address cannot find me here by entering my e-mail address into the LJ search.

I am not normally given to public service announcements, but I thought my colleague drkwzrdmalfoymight be interested.

As for other news, well, I hope that the colonists have enjoyed their little party and that the rest of us can now return to ignoring their antics. Two hundred and some odd years ago several of them tipped perfectly decent tea into the Boston Harbour and, after a spot of trouble, England was well rid of them. Perhaps now they've had their say, they'll quiet down for four years?

I shouldn't think so, but hope does spring eternal.
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Why cats? [Sep. 30th, 2008|09:04 pm]
Severus Snape
I've been considering the case of Schrödinger's cat, which he proved could be both alive and dead at the same time, until one opened its box to check. If you haven't any idea what this is about, I refer you to the wikipedia on it here:


Schrödinger apparently considered it a bit of reductio ad absurdum, but it does help to illuminate the concept of quantum mechanics that implies both one state and its opposite is equally true at any moment. Very zen.

Why stop at cats? Perhaps the same could apply to anything, say, potions masters, to take a randomly passing thought.

I'm not all that keen on enclosing myself in a box with a phial of poison on the off chance it might reanimate me, but as I've plenty of time for thought puzzles, it's not an entirely worthless concept.
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The sands of times and all that. [Feb. 10th, 2008|09:45 pm]
Severus Snape
I've not posted in aeons. Not that there is much to say when one is dead, but it doesn't seem to have stopped Dumbledore, either.

Since I have last posted here, the fool who types for me has changed residence and moved, quite literally, to the opposite side of the planet. Such events do tend to change one's habits and posting here is one of those that seems to have become even more erratic than previous.

So, it is with surprise that I find that I am still receiving post. Most of it is worthless, but I shall respond to the nugget or two I receive.

Dear Snape,

I have read all seven books and they were great. I mean, how could one person make all that up? I just can't believe that there won't me more and that it's all over. What am I to do now?

/s/ Harry Potter fan

Dear Fan,

On the one hand you wonder how one person can make up the story and on the other you can't believe she's run out of things to say. You have a disordered mind. Sadly, you are typical of the sort of person who writes to me.

The author of the seven books you refer to has told a story BASED on the universe where I exist. If you know about quantum theory, you will know that there are infinite universes where every possible event does, in fact, happen. The story as envisioned by that author is not over and never will be -- my universe continues. You must have deduced this by the fact that you are writing to some one who, in the version of the universe she described, is DEAD.

To paraphrase another, as long as there are those who believe I exist, I shall never be completely gone from Hogwarts.

S. Snape
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SPOILER [Jul. 23rd, 2007|08:35 am]
Severus Snape
How very satisfying.Collapse )
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2007|08:11 am]
Severus Snape
Dear Professor Snape,

I believe in love after death. Do you?

Bewitched Fangirl

Dear BF,

The only love that exists after death is the love of the maggot for the corpse.

S. Snape
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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2007|05:45 pm]
Severus Snape
Dear Severus Snape,

Most of my friends and I think you're going to die in book seven. I can't think of any drawbacks to that, can you?


Dear Brenda,

Most of your friends and you have opinions that hold no interest for me. If I do die, I expect it will be saving that miserable Potter's life yet again. If so, I would consider it to be a definite drawback.

S. Snape
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Fascinating drivel [Jan. 21st, 2007|06:38 pm]
Severus Snape
Dear Severus Snape,

You can't deny it any longer -- all the evidence suggests that you loved Lily Evans. JKR says that she can't answer that question because it would give too much away and says that Lily was a very popular girl. We know that the fact that Harry has Lily's eyes is going to be important in book seven. How could eye color be important? Probably because you see Lily's eyes every time you look at Harry and you feel disgust with yourself every time you see them and realize you are the reason she is dead today. When Harry asked Dumbledore why you came to the side of the Order, Dumbledore said it was because you learned what Voldy was going to do with the information about the prophecy that you supplied him. Harry replied with , "but Snape hated my father!" and the subject moved on. It's definitely a trick of JKR's to come close to saying something important and moving away from it at the last moment, and in this case she deflected following up on how you did hate his father, but no mention was made of his mother, Lily. It's perfectly clear. You loved her. Just admit it. Bet you won't have the cojones to answer this one.

Lily's Eyes.

Dear Eyes,

This is an advice column. I advise you to refrain from speculating about things that are none of your affair.

S. Snape
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Resolved [Jan. 8th, 2007|05:26 pm]
Severus Snape
Dear Mr. Snape,

I have already broken all my new year's resolutions. You often speak of discipline -- how do you control your urges?

Wild and Woolly

Dear Sheep,

How do I control my urges? By not having any. One assumes you have not reached such a state of mental rigor. If I am correct in my belief that you are actually asking how to control your urges and not mine, we will have to take a different approach.

It is not enough to resolve not to succumb to temptation. You will need to find a way to make it painful for you to do so. Have you resolved to stop smoking? Resolve instead to slap your face five times every time you light up.

Another possibility is to make the object of your resolution inaccessible. Have you resolved to spend less money? Bind your purse to your pocket. Make it difficult to retrieve. It will cause you to think about what you are about to do and so you may decide it isn't worth your money after all.

Finally, face yourself and recognise why you are making your resolution. You're worthless. You're ugly. You're lazy. You're disorganised and have loose morals. As long as you continue under your delusions that you aren't a loser, you won't make the proper changes.

There you have it -- the keys to proper discipline are pain, bondage, and humiliation.

But then, you knew that. You wanted it, didn't you? Pathetic.

S. Snape
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Bah. [Dec. 18th, 2006|08:19 am]
Severus Snape
Another attempt at the link.

ETA: The above link was only valid for a limited time and has now expired. The software on the site had been manipulated so that an image of me said, with something resembling a Scottish accent, "I lost a bet with McGonagall and now have to speak this way for a fortnight. The first dunderhead who laughs will be a newt for a very long time, I assure you." I can't be bothered to recreate it.
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As Yule approaches [Dec. 17th, 2006|08:44 pm]
Severus Snape
The media would have it that we are in the midst of 'the most wonderful time of the year'.

Bah. Consider the following:

Dear Snape,

I'm so stressed out. I don't know what to get for my best friend, I haven't sent off anything I was supposed to have sent off ages ago, and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on my midterms. I haven't packed for my trip back home and I don't know when I'm going to find the time to do it. How do I get my hands on a time turner?

/s Chronos

Dear Chronos,

They are kept in the Department of Mysteries, as you certainly must know by now. From the whinging of McGonagall when she obtained one for Granger, it would appear that one must file endless forms. That isn't your question, however, is it?

You have let your priorities be set by some one other than you. When one follows one's own priorities, one is never behind. Your priority is to write me, even when you have other items on your agenda. If it had not been your priority, you would not have done it. You are a fool, of course, to have chosen this way, but it was your choice all the same. You will not change your behaviour until you decide more consciously what your priorities are rather than to let yourself do it ad hoc. Select the one task you feel is most important, and do that one. Time permitting, you can repeat selecting one task to do until you have completed them all or you have run out of time, leaving the relatively lesser tasks undone.

Weak minds believe their lives are determined by the acts and priorities of outside forces. You have a weak mind.

S. Snape
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